Miss Piggy Visits the Raven
by Judith Freudenthal
1997

Natalie entered The Raven looking for Nick. She paid little attention to the short, pushy, overweight, blonde that entered right before she did. As Natalie made her way further into the club she spotted him, and began to make her way through the crowd.

"Outta my way, dearie," said the voice of the pushy blonde.

Natalie took one look at her and realized she was seeing a talking, walking, tastefully, if not overdressed, pig.

"Sorry," Natalie said. It was then she realized that the pig was heading for Nick's table. "If you're heading for the blonde at that table there, he's taken."

"Say's who?"

"We do."

"I saw him first, so outta my way. He's mine," said the blonde.

Natalie decided to follow the short pushy pig over to Nick's table. Miss Piggy pushed Nat aside so that she could have the prime spot next to the attractive blonde detective. Natalie gave her a very annoyed look and took the seat across the table.

"Natalie, what brings you here?" Nick asked.

"Nick, you said you'd stop by."

"I'm sorry, I got hung up here. Who's your friend?"

"Miss Piggy's the name."

"Nice to meet you," Nick said.

Nick noticed that the pig seemed to be getting a little too friendly with him.

"Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but could you please remove your hand from my behind?"

"And such a nice one."

Natalie was trying her best to keep from laughing out loud. She discovered that vampires could indeed blush.

Nick jumped as he felt his behind being patted as Miss Piggy removed her hand. Natalie was both amused by Nick's expression and annoyed by the pig's presumptiousness.

"I don't appreciate you doing that. I told you he was taken," Nat said, her annoyance coming through.

"Back off," Miss Piggy said, threateningly.

"Did I ever tell you what I do for a living?"

Nick noticed the wicked gleam in her eyes and hoped there would be no trouble.

"Probably a teacher or a secretary."

"Not even close. I'm a forensic pathologist." Upon seeing that Miss Piggy had no idea what she just said, she repeated it in very simple, easy to understand terms. "I cut up dead bodies, to see why they died."

Suddenly Miss Piggy began to get a tad bit nervous. "Nick, I know you would never let her hurt me." She grabbed Nick and said, "Kiss me."

"I will not!"

"Hi ya!" Miss Piggy said as she let Nick have it with her fist.

Nick flew backwards over the back of the booth and over the nest booth as well. He was a little dazed as he crawled back to where the two ladies were seated, or one lady and one not very feminine pig.

"Nat, did I ever tell you how tasty pig blood is?"

"No, you didn't." Nat noticed that their unwanted companion didn't seem the slightest bit scared by this.

"Don't tell me you're one of those," Miss Piggy said a bit disgusted, as she ran her hand across Nick's chest, making him decidedly uneasy.

He removed the wandering hand.

"I suddenly have a craving for a fresh ham sandwhich."

This did make their pesky guest nervous.

"I left my bag in the car. I suppose I could always see if LaCroix has anything sharp enough."

"Why don't you go out to your car, and take your time. "Miss Piggy said, trying to get rid of her competition. "What does he see in you? I have so much more to offer."

Nick saw the growing annoying blazing in Natalie's eyes and decided he'd better do something about it. He brushed Miss Piggy's hair to the side and leaned down towards her neck.

When Nick's fangs brushed against her neck she realized that she was about to be dinner.

"Hold it right there, buster. Unless you wanna take another flight."

"You said you wanted me, so I'm offering myself to you."

"I think I'll take a raincheck. I...I have to go meet Kermie. Bye."

She took off in a flash. As soon as she was gone Nick and Natalie started laughing. Suddenly Natalie became serious.

"She's not a threat is she? Also, what did she mean, you're one of them?"

"You don't know the Count?"

"The one on Sesame Street?" She saw Nick nod.

"She's no threat. Who'd believe her? If she became a threat, you'd get a nice ham out of it. Were you serious about wanting a fresh ham sandwhich?"

"No. I was just trying to scare her off. What about you and the pig blood?"

"That's true. It's almost as tasty as human."

 

A few nights later Natalie once again entered The Raven looking for Nick. She wished he'd find another place to meet with his informants. As she passed the bar she saw a sign that offered ham sandwhiches.

Nah, couldn't be. Could it?' She thought as she headed for Nick.

She slipped into the seat across the table from Nick.

"Is the new menu item, who I think it is?"

"Yes. Apparently she returned and annoyed LaCroix one time too many. When I ordered the usual, I found pig blood in my glass. Very tasty. A little high in sodium, though. I think it was all those potato chips."

A waitress brought over a plate containing a sandwhich. Along with the sandwhich were several condiments, including mustard and mayonaise.

"LaCroix sent this for you. He didn't know how you liked your sandwhich."

"Thank him."

Natalie peered under the bread and wasn't surprised to see that the meat was indeed ham.

"I can't eat this."

"Nat, she wanted to steal me from you. She sent me flying when I wouldn't kiss her. She annoyed LaCroix."

"You're right. Bon apetit," Natalie said as she spread the mayonaise onto her sandwhich. She took a large bite. "Very tasty, though a bit fatty. Quite tender. You're right about the heavy saltiness. Very fresh."

 

Over at the bar LaCroix was lost in a flashback.

He remembered seeing Miss Piggy enter and head straight for him. Maybe there will be a treat awaiting my son and the good doctor when they arrive, later.

"Hello. What is your name?"

"Miss Piggy. What is yours?" She asked, taking a seat on the bar stool next to him. She layed her hand on his arm.

"LaCroix." He did not like anyone touching him, and this thing was running her hand up his arm.

"Very nice. How about a kiss?"

"I don't think so."

She raised her hand to send him flying and saw the deadly cold look in his eyes.

"I wouldn't if I valued my life," LaCroix said calmly, but threateningly.

"What brings you here?" She asked changing the subject.

"I own and run this place."

"Why is it so dark and creepy?"

"That's the way my clientele like it. I prefer it this way, myself."

"You're not another one of them are you?"

"How about I answer all your questions over dinner?" He asked rather politely.

"I accept."

LaCroix removed her wandering hand from his shoulder and escorted her outside the club. Once out of sight of passerby's he grabbed her, sinking his teeth into her neck. He drank a few sips before taking her into the backroom where he drained her blood into a wine bottle. He knew Nicholas would appreciate the taste of pig more than he did. It was one of the finer pig specimens he had tasted.

 

LaCroix sensed his son was preparing to leave and had his last gift to them delivered. Natalie received the rest of the ham and Nick received the blood. LaCroix wandered over to them.

"I hope you enjoy my gifts."

"We will."

"Dr. Lambert, I thought you might like to have these. I have no use for them." LaCroix pulled a good sized diamond ring from his pocket along with a gold chain and diamond pendant."

"Thank you. Were they...."

LaCroix nodded.

"She did have good taste."

The End

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